so here comes 2014.

in 2014 i want to:

be a better person. i have become too negative this year. i’ve let people bring me down to their level. i’ve let their evil and negativity fill me up. i know now that when there is evil in you, maybe it’s the devil, i’m not sure, but it feels right. it feels like you’re doing nothing wrong. you feel good. you’re happy, but it’s not a true happy. it’s false. all of the bag things that were said and thought, all of the gossip, it still happens. i still do it daily. but it’s different. i might be wrong, and it might still be the same, but i do know that i was associating with someone who is very unhappy, someone who uses other people’s unhappiness and failures to build themselves up. i’m not like that. i know i’m not. i’m better than that. i am going to strive to be a better person, to not spread my negative thoughts and opinions, no matter how strong they are inside of me. i want to try to be a better person in this aspect.

control the obsessive thoughts better. i never knew how much i let my worrying and paranoia control my life. it’s always been a part of me. i am a worrier. i let it define me. this year, i’m going to do better. i have been doing better in the last few months. i’ve made great strides. i will never be perfect. we can never be perfect. i want to do better about not needing control all the time, about letting things go. you can’t always have every answer right when you want them. sometimes you need to wait. just because you’re not in control doesn’t mean the worst case scenario is going to happen. things will be okay. you just have to give them the chance to be.

become closer with the Lord. i have fallen away from you, i know that. i don’t have an excuse. i could say that after my attack i lost faith, and that is probably right. i didn’t understand why it had to happen to me. i didn’t understand everything that would happen after it within myself. i know that i’m a strong person for what i got through, but i know that you were looking out for me that day. i think that i handled that situation better than most people would have. maybe that’s why it happened to me, because i could handle it. i’m proud of myself for what i went through and how i’ve lived my life after that. i do think it has changed me, and i’m still learning and adapting to it. it will never leave me. i won’t let it define me, but it is definitely a part of who i am.

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